Suicidal Syd

To the right hand side of this page, you will find a link to the official Channel 4 Big Brother site. There, you'll now be able to find the housemates' audition tapes. I advise anyone trying to get up the energy and moral courage to do themselves in to watch them. As an intrepid journalistic exercise, I'm watching them right now for you, and I've got to say that however contented I was before I started, I now want someone to bring on the pills. Good grief.

If you can look past the absolute horror, though, I suppose they are an important indicator of what makes a single-serving celebrity for the summer, as opposed to just a normal person. Early pointers seem to be that this X-factor is an unwaivering self-belief, in spite of ample evidence to the contrary. Anyway, here's my best bits, so you won't have to suffer as I did.

Amanda "[I've] Never [read a book], they just confuse me"
X-Factor: Ditsy tart. TWO ditsy tarts.

Brian "I'm used to people showing me what to do, rather than using my own initiative"
X-Factor: Charmingly gormless

Carole "I think they'd find me quite irritating in a lot of ways"
X-Factor: Withered

Chanelle "I have Victoria Beckham's identity, but I've got a bit of my uurn, because she's not obsessed with anyone, and I'm obsessed with her."
X-Factor: Improbable accent. Bizarre Schizophrenia.

Charley "Every time I go out, I go out with someone famous. I don't want to sound rude or anything, but I don't meet them, they meet me"
X-Factor: Good grief

Emily "I've got a weird sense of humour, I suppose. You either get me or you don't get me."
Well, that clears THAT up.

Gerry "My greatest creation is Gerry"
X-Factor: Enigmatic

Laura "My boobs weigh a pound each"
X-Factor: Inability to shut up

Nicky "Well, I'm a bit annoyed because I've been waiting an hour. I think it's rude. Why was I given an allocated time if I wasn't going to be met? But I'm cool, it doesn't matter."
X-Factor: Willing to be herself. i.e. highly intolerant

Samantha (on being asked what her philosophy on life is) "What does philosophy mean?"
X-Factor: Strangleable

Shabnam "I'm crazy. I'm mad. People think I'm fascinating"
X-Factor: Bewildering self-delusion

Ziggy (coincidentally - with Chanelle's haircut) "Put me in the house with the right girl and I can assure you things will happen... I don't think there's ever been a guy in the house who's been seeing two of the girls at the same time without them knowing about it."
X-Factor: Girl's haircut

So there you go Carole, fill yer boots. If I were more of a cynic, I'd suggest that Channel 4 are deliberately bringing these to our attention to showcase how vapid and useless these people all are. Which would be a bit mean, considering they've been plenty able enough to do it for themselves over the last couple of months. Anyway, I'm off to slice through SEVERAL arteries.