xoxo gina and kate's big bruvva boleslaw oxox

hmmm

2009-06-09T22:58:00.002+01:00

Well, I've caught bits of some episodes and most of tonights and I have to say, I'm not really feeling this series. The backstabbing and bitching seems to have started very early this year. I think also, that the paranoia has started incredibly early. It's like we're a month down the line rather than a few days. I'm no expert, but, I suspect it's because people know the "game" a little bit too well.

And, mark my words, the bullying has also started.

ugh

2009-06-07T22:40:00.003+01:00

In my absence, all of the non-entities bar one have managed to worm their way to housemate status.

*Interest wanes*

Not a bad start

2009-06-04T22:44:00.002+01:00

Boo - Far too many WAG wannabes trying desperately to say something edgy in their audition video (where do they find them all?) and vacant boys with just a handful of people who might be vaguely likeable

Yay - The challenge! Woo Noirin for not hesitating to get her eyebrows shaved off, and woo Rodrigo for being a sweety. Now let's keep the WAGs and vacants out.

Welcome back

2009-06-04T22:35:00.003+01:00

It's back, and so am I for as long as my attention span will allow.

What promised to be a terrible series redeemed itself in the last ten minutes. The shaving task was sheer brilliance, and good on whatsherface* for doing it.

Now I hope that the FHM clones are kept out. I shall give it another episode before I make my decision as to whether series 10 becomes the one I don't watch and the end of a long running obsession.

*can't remember any of their names.

It's a nice day for a white wedding

2008-06-09T14:16:00.003+01:00

Firstly hello! It's that time of the year again, and this year I'm finding myself thinking that I'm not very interested in Big Brother. This disappoints me as I usually enjoy it so much. I'm giving it a chance though and will let you know my feelings after a few episodes.

Now to business. This stupid wedding task, what a joke. The whole thing was designed to get the couple arguing and that backfired didn't it?! I think Stephanie didn't try very hard, she obviously found him repulsive and her acting was appalling. The sooner she goes the better. It was never going to fool people because they know how BB works, even things that are true are met with suspicion and mistrust. I think the best thing would have to kept the real couple a secret but not bring anyone else into it. They should have been forced to pretend they were strangers and then asked the other housemates to say who they think was the couple. Basically, it didn't work.

So, early predictions - Kat to win.

First Impressions

2008-06-05T22:51:00.005+01:00

Hello. Here is my analysis.

Like:
Rex
Mohamed
Mikey
Rebecca
Kathreya (not a ping pong family)
Sylvia (but what is it with the "non-practising" catholics and muslims this year?)

Didn't like:
Dennis
Jennifer (because racism always works well on big brother)

Meh:
Luke
Dale
Stephanie
Rachel
Mario

Don't know:
Alexandra

All in all, this feels like a better tally than recent years, but I guess we'll have to wait and see. Great twist too.

It's nearly over

2007-08-31T17:44:00.000+01:00

Well, tonights the night eh?

come on BRAIN!

YES!*

2007-08-21T22:00:00.000+01:00

Ok, nominations then. What a surprise Jonty and Kara Louise are up, as if there was going to ever be any other outcome?! Travey being up is a bit better because with a bit of luck she'll go this week and we won't have to hear the catchphrases any longer. The best bit about her being up is how guilty Ziggy will pretend to feel once she goes, and hasn't he done a great job of being everyone's best mate? I do hope there's a good twist which sees the person who leaves take someone else with them, that would indeed be ACE and throw the whole house into turmoil - or the nearest they can get.

*christ it's still so DULL.

YAY!

2007-08-20T22:38:00.001+01:00

Finally a laugh from Big Brother, Brain of course the person I'm chortling at, although I am massively confused as to why he can't pronounce the letter H. Still, hearing him in the diary room was ACE.

Now, a quick word about Travey, what the hell is going on with her?! Why is she behaving like a child? She should just get on with it and stop being such a baby!

I wonder

2007-08-19T16:09:00.000+01:00

If Carole is going to be nice about Gerry now that he did the nice thing and let her stay, although I'm not entirely convinced he was going to be the one who stayed, he has been irritatng everyone apart from the Twins.

Now the housemates have no food and it's Carole's fault and I suspect she's going to be EVEN WORSE than she's been previously.

One more thing, if there are only a few weeks left, when are they going to start bloody evicting people?! Surely we can't allow Ziggy to be there until the end?

TEAM MUNGERRY

2007-08-17T22:10:00.001+01:00

As with every other year, my favourtie has gotten the boot with just a couple of weeks to go. Gerry, your honorary team mungo membership welcome package awaits.

BOLESLAW

2007-08-15T21:39:00.000+01:00

I have been slacking on the Boleslaw front. My excuse is that, like Gina, I have hit a bit of a wall. I think putting those new housemates in was a mistake on big brother's part. Leaving them to fester, playing some psychological games and perhaps one or two well selected new housemates would have stirred the pot up much more.

There was a turn around for Tracey this evening when the other housemates picked her to be saved from what they believe is going to be a public vote. Some of them may have been genuine when they said they didn't want her to face another eviction, but I reckon some of them heard the cheer she got last time, think she's popular and don't want the public to see them picking her out.

You can't handle the truth

2007-08-15T21:38:00.001+01:00

"It's like being on Trisha!" exclaims Brain. Erm, no, not really. I did however like the fact that Liam is jealous and everyone knows it, and that Ziggy heard some home truths about his relationship with Chanelle. He doesn't like it up him the old Zigmeister.

Right, well, I asked for some excitement, it's not what I got but the eviction on friday should prove interesting because I think it's going to see Gerry go out the door.

bemused

2007-08-14T22:19:00.001+01:00

I'm currently baffled by Big Brother, it seems to have hit some sort of wall where it's just become uninteresting. I'm bored by the new housemates, I'm bored of Ziggy and I'm growing tired of Carole and her bizarre ways.

Let's have some surprise evictions, or anything, JUST, SOMETHING.

Poor decisions

2007-08-12T21:08:00.000+01:00

I'm going off Liam, the reason for this is because he seems to be doing a lot of arrogant showing off around Ziggy and others. He didn't behave very well with regards to Amy either. It's not very nice nor is it big and or clever. I'm also partly disappointed that the twins didn't go on Friday because it would have really shaken the house up.

I think the worm is turning on Gerry - he'll almost certainly be up this week again.

Gone Gone Gone

2007-08-03T21:36:00.000+01:00

So, David and Shanessa are gone, well, I'm a little disappointed because I thought David might stay and be a bit controversial for a while, ho hum. Shanessa I'm not really surprised about, she's not ont he same level as the rest of them, she showed too much flesh too early on and the general public never really warm to that kind of thing.

So we're left with three people I can't find myself really liking. Jonty is the only one that shows promise what with him being a bit different but maybe he might be too much of a weird to last.

Kara-Louise? Who?

And Amy, well, the sooner she's gone the better as far as I'm concerned.

Suicidal Syd

2007-08-02T07:17:00.000+01:00

To the right hand side of this page, you will find a link to the official Channel 4 Big Brother site. There, you'll now be able to find the housemates' audition tapes. I advise anyone trying to get up the energy and moral courage to do themselves in to watch them. As an intrepid journalistic exercise, I'm watching them right now for you, and I've got to say that however contented I was before I started, I now want someone to bring on the pills. Good grief.

If you can look past the absolute horror, though, I suppose they are an important indicator of what makes a single-serving celebrity for the summer, as opposed to just a normal person. Early pointers seem to be that this X-factor is an unwaivering self-belief, in spite of ample evidence to the contrary. Anyway, here's my best bits, so you won't have to suffer as I did.

Amanda "[I've] Never [read a book], they just confuse me"
X-Factor: Ditsy tart. TWO ditsy tarts.

Brian "I'm used to people showing me what to do, rather than using my own initiative"
X-Factor: Charmingly gormless

Carole "I think they'd find me quite irritating in a lot of ways"
X-Factor: Withered

Chanelle "I have Victoria Beckham's identity, but I've got a bit of my uurn, because she's not obsessed with anyone, and I'm obsessed with her."
X-Factor: Improbable accent. Bizarre Schizophrenia.

Charley "Every time I go out, I go out with someone famous. I don't want to sound rude or anything, but I don't meet them, they meet me"
X-Factor: Good grief

Emily "I've got a weird sense of humour, I suppose. You either get me or you don't get me."
Well, that clears THAT up.

Gerry "My greatest creation is Gerry"
X-Factor: Enigmatic

Laura "My boobs weigh a pound each"
X-Factor: Inability to shut up

Nicky "Well, I'm a bit annoyed because I've been waiting an hour. I think it's rude. Why was I given an allocated time if I wasn't going to be met? But I'm cool, it doesn't matter."
X-Factor: Willing to be herself. i.e. highly intolerant

Samantha (on being asked what her philosophy on life is) "What does philosophy mean?"
X-Factor: Strangleable

Shabnam "I'm crazy. I'm mad. People think I'm fascinating"
X-Factor: Bewildering self-delusion

Ziggy (coincidentally - with Chanelle's haircut) "Put me in the house with the right girl and I can assure you things will happen... I don't think there's ever been a guy in the house who's been seeing two of the girls at the same time without them knowing about it."
X-Factor: Girl's haircut

So there you go Carole, fill yer boots. If I were more of a cynic, I'd suggest that Channel 4 are deliberately bringing these to our attention to showcase how vapid and useless these people all are. Which would be a bit mean, considering they've been plenty able enough to do it for themselves over the last couple of months. Anyway, I'm off to slice through SEVERAL arteries.

The end cometh

2007-08-01T13:32:00.000+01:00

I promise this is the last time I will talk about Ziggy and Chanelle - but by christ Ziggy is AWFUL. I really want him out this weekend. I'm glad she had such a go at him before she left, he needs to grow up. GET HIM OUT!

Any way the wind blows

2007-08-01T10:08:00.001+01:00

After my last post - 16.5 seconds after - I learnt that there was something of a groundswell of Amy Antipathy. Apparently, she's a haggins. Anyway, here she is.

Shank

2007-08-01T08:54:00.001+01:00

(5" x 7"; Pen, ink and watercolour on elephant poo paper)

This page brought to you by the growing confusion at the whole halfway house thing, and Shanessa pulling a "my mate fancies you" on Amy with Liam.

The Long Goodbye

2007-07-31T14:57:00.000+01:00

Talk about letting it drag on, why did BB put up so many obstacles to Chanelle going??? I think Ziggy is an arrogant, self obsessed piece of work and I hope he feels great for forcing a 19 year old girl to get so upset she wants to leave and has indeed now left. I hope him and Carole are very happy with their scheme.

Now, new halfway housemates - well! Shanessa, who on earth told her that outfit was a good idea???? She needs to wear more clothes not LESS! Amy, well, she's not so glamourous without her makeup on now is she? Jonty "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" - he should be FORCED to stay, how funny is he?! David will be the one chosen and Kara Louise - well, no one who smiles that much is normal are they?

Change the Record

2007-07-27T22:46:00.000+01:00

I half like only one of the new halfway housemates (David). More fucking awful women and a complete oddball geek virgin who likes spanking teddies. Poor old Jonty doesn't stand a chance of being picked, they should have just inflicted him on them at the start. I wonder what Charley would have said to him (*wistful look*).

And what sort of a fucking name is SHANESSA?

Oh F*** Off BB

2007-07-27T22:24:00.000+01:00

Well, didn't she get away with it all, to swan off and talk to the press and then be in all the papers tomorrow. The sooner her fifteen minutes of fame is up the better. Arrogant cow probably thinks she didn't hear anyone boo.

Anyway, these new housemates. I don't want them, it's BORING. Why would you have a second house AGAIN? DO SOMETHING ORIGINAL, I dunno, like leaving the remaining housemates to interact.

These new people are all to a man nothing that we haven't seen before. YAWN.

Carole

2007-07-27T19:51:00.000+01:00

Yes I have run out of blog post titles. Two more annoying things about Carole:

1) She billed herself as a peace activist, Respect party candidate, protester etc but she never ever mentions any of that stuff

2) One thing she does like to talk about is cleanliness and order, but as we saw last night, her house is a fucking dump. Kudos to big brother for showing that clip on the day her nagging seemed to peak

In other news, I am looking forward to seeing what sort of baying mob greets Charley. I am not much looking forward to her eviction interview because she's utterly deluded and I'm sure she will find a way to square all the bad stuff she is confronted with outside with her self-image as an it-girl. I'm predicting teeth grinding from my couch.

I'm also looking forward to seeing whether Chanelle cheers up a bit. I can understand the pressure of living with Charley holding an irrational grudge against you for 2 months might not make you 100% happy, but I suspect we'll see next week that actually she is just a grumpy whiny cow and that she really only looked good because Charley is so fucking awful. And GOD. Those fucking twins. Shoot them.

Carole and Chanelle up next week then I reckon. Liam or Brian look like favourites to win at the moment, but my favourite is still Gerry. GO GERRY!

BULLIES

2007-07-26T21:35:00.000+01:00

I've gone off Carole. She's now not talking to Chanelle for whatever reason. She's like a 14 year old rather than a 50 something. I don't understand why she is suddenly Charley's biggest fan. The girl is spiteful, vindictive and mean. She's also a bully and quite frankly overtaken Grace in my eyes as the most hateful housemate EVER. Tonight she had the gall to say that other people had turned Brian against her. How dare she!?!

On a lighter note, Brain brought a tear to my eye when his message from his mum was delivered. What a cutie! I think he is officially my favourite housemate ever.

CHARLEY OUT, BRAIN TO WIN!

As for the rumours that six new housemates are going in....

I hate it when BB does this, I don't like change, I am a creature of habit and new people who've seen the series don't add anything to the house except more paranoia and backstabbing and I think this series has seen more than enough of that. I wanted to see how the remaining housemates interact without that poisonous bitch and now we're not going to see a true reaction. BAH!

The Usual Suspects

2007-07-25T11:54:00.000+01:00

Here is a post about the housemate who has appeared the least in this year's Boleslaw. Is it because they are boring? Is it because of shonky editing? Is it because the Boleslaw Panel are so utterly fixated with Charley that if we were at the same school we'd have pulled her hair because we secretly fancy her?

Well, having studied the post labels, the least remarkable person currently on Big Brother (and, by extension, the least remarkable human being currently alive), is AMANDA. So, this post is entirely about Amanda. Her hopes, dreams and measurements.

AMANDA FACT Her name is Amanda Louise Marchant. She was born on 26th June 1988, which was a Sunday. The day before, Holland won the European Football Championships in West Germany beating the USSR 2-0. A week later, Iran Air Flight 655 is shot down by missiles launched from the USS Vincennes. Bullies.

AMANDA FACT Her identical twin sister Samantha Joanne Marchant is no older or younger than Amanda. They were born at the exact same time. Sideways.

AMANDA FACT Amanda can breathe out of 4 different orifices.

AMANDA FACT When Amanda visited Chester Zoo aged 7, she accidentally punched a peacock up the beak and has been too scared to go back since. She is also scared of feathers, but ironically insists on doing all her Social Care coursework using a quill and India ink.

AMANDA FACT Upon seeing highlights of the first week of Big Brother, Bob Dylan added an extra verse to A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall entirely about Amanda's struggle for acceptance.

AMANDA FACT The lollipop Amanda had upon her entry to the house on Day 1 was in fact a rump steak.

AMANDA FACT Amanda was once thrown out of Romania for speaking out against the Ceausescu regime and making a satirical rendering of Bucharest out of lard and hair.

AMANDA FACT Amanda has never seen the moon.

AMANDA FACT Amanda writes a play a week. She has been given special dispensation to continue this whilst in the house - Channel 4 have agreed to inscribe every single word she says and send it to her local Repertory Company. The plays - entitled The Fungina Monologues - are performed every Sunday in Warrington Community Hall to sell-out audiences.

AMANDA FACT She is convinced Davina McCall is the reincarnation of Robert F. Kennedy.

Send in a girl who likes cider

2007-07-24T08:33:00.000+01:00

It's the annual "Can we make the housemates cry?" week in the Big Brother house. The answer, as always, is yes. After 6 weeks inside that Belsen, even a brief glimpse of your wizened, moustachioed, waspish, cruel old great grandmother would be enough to send the hardest member of the SAS into a complete nervous collapse.

Nominations today, and I'm beginning to hope Charley gets evicted for her own sake as much as for our sanity. I feel that Channel 4 have done everything in their power to keep her in the house against the will of the other 60,776,237 people in the United Kingdom. This is a dangerous strategy. Firstly, TV production methods are already under the microscope, with both the media and the government crying 'FAKE' until they go blue in the trousers (who in god's name cares whether Gordon Ramsay actually caught a fish or not? It's on TV. People who believe everything they see or hear in the media are so with the fairies their opinions should be disregarded as a matter of course). Secondly, from the point of view of Charley's reintroduction to The Normal World.

Let's be clear about this: I'm not going soft on the Charley issue. She is clearly redefining the perceived human limit on being stupid and annoying. However, when she is stupid and annoying, she's just one person. She has every right to be stupid and annoying as long as she doesn't break any laws doing it. When the British public - most of whom are capable of challenging Charley's stupid and annoying crown any time they please - get their sweaty mitts on her they'll be acting with more of a mob mentality. I hope Channel 4 know what they're doing.

Bye Bye

2007-07-20T23:04:00.000+01:00

In lieu of everyone being out celebrating bleep's 45th birthday, I'll fill in tonight's entry.

I was genuinely sorry for Nicky when she was evicted tonight. Her bitterness has twisted her all up inside and I don't think she knew she was being as mean as she was in the house. BB were also quite harsh with her interview - they only really showed her whinging and being horrid. Still, this could mean that IF Charley is ever evicted her exit interview should be a complete and utter character assassination.

Big Sedaka

2007-07-19T20:07:00.001+01:00

anger management

2007-07-18T21:52:00.000+01:00

Charley has been a spectacular bitch once again on tonight's highlights show. She picked at what was clearly a very emotive subject for Brian (and understandably so), refused to back down when he was clearly upset and goaded him into shouting at her - this is her best trick, she knows exactly what buttons to press for the majority of house mates and she will not let it drop. The typically not-very-perceptive Brian could see what she was doing and pointed it out, but she's so good at it it still had the desired effect on the lovable retard. Having done this and called him a "fucking prick" and so on in "self defence" she is still able to delude herself that because she didn't raise her voice as loud as she might usually when giving someone a mouthful, that she wasn't being the angry, spiteful person that she was apparently so upset by on her fake eviction. I can understand why Big Brother has rigged the voting process to give her another stay of execution by baying mob - having fake evicted her they don't want us to miss the way that it all pans out, but I remain furious that Big Brother has rigged the voting process again to keep her in! It is at least probably the cruelest thing they could do to Ziggy and Chanelle who are having a thoroughly miserable time.... but I might come back to Chanelle's whining another night (if I can be arsed, and that).

YES!

2007-07-18T21:48:00.000+01:00

After tonight I am all the more determined that Brain should win. He's finally seen through that horrible cow Charley and she's proven once again what a mean bitch she is. I'm only sorry she isn't up for eviction this week because she deserves to go more than Nicky or Gerry.

Pecker

2007-07-17T17:58:00.000+01:00

Woodpecker, that is, of course.

Yesterday's show ended with a delightful sequence of Brian whinnying on in the Diary Room about his increasing isolation in the house. Why can't Big Brother just put in a hot bird who he can fancy and they'll fancy him back, and who likes cider?

It's a good question.

Leaving aside for one moment the fact that someone of Brian's intellect would invariably feel isolated and unstimulated in anything short of a 24-hour Fireworks and Puppies Zoo, let's try and answer this poser for him.

Why can't they find a nice woman for him who is hot and likes cider? It's either:

(a) No hot women like cider
(b) He fancies Amanda and wants to get in cider, or
(c) Brian is flabbergastingly annoying, to the point where no-one who spends any time beyond about 5 minutes in his company is able to resist stabbing him in the EYE.

I'm betting on (a).

Here we go again.....

2007-07-16T19:48:00.000+01:00

So, Charley gets evicted, then has her "fake" interview and shows faux disgust at herself, promises to be better, goes back in the house and is as arrogant and as self centred as she ever was. What the hell was all that business about posh spice about? Why does she feel the need to put Chanelle down to make herself feel better. And don't even start me on Ziggy!

Nominations tonight, and I bet the horrible cow escapes being evicted again.

Bright Spark

2007-07-11T17:02:00.000+01:00

So, Brian turns "twenteen" this week and yet he's lost none of his childlike innocence and doesn't believe the new housemate is fake, until he is told that is....
I have to say that at this halfway house I find myself still wanting him to win, especially after he cried when Charley was nice to him.

Now for the nominations. Nicky HAS to be evicted - that way we can let everyone see just exactly WHAT she has been saying about them! Charley will just be EVEN more annoying if she gets the process. Plus, because Charley hasn't been evicted she'll be more arrogant and annoying than normal when she goes back.

BRAIN TO WIN!

Big Torpor

2007-07-10T20:40:00.001+01:00

Good god, I've not watched Big Brother for nearly two weeks. I assume everyone else is still pretty much as annoying as they were before.

The four week apathy is such a regular occurence in Big Brother watching, I'd not be surprised to learn that it is a recognised medical condition. The initial buzz has faded, the dreary contestants weeded out, and equalibrium descends upon the house. Channel 4, as far as I'm concerned, haven't helped themselves with the way they try and counteract this: throwing more and more new people into the mix. Last year, by the time I reached my traditional late-series surge of interest in the show to find out who is actually going to win, I was fairly staggered to find that I hardly recognised any of the people in there.

The solution to this problem is probably downscaling it. Less, but better housemates, unspeakably cruel and unfair behaviour from Big Brother. Basically, recreating the 2002 series, still very much the benchmark by which I think the rest should be judged.

Big Brother plods on until god alone knows when, September or something, for heaven's sake. Wake me up with two weeks to go.

Ziggy Piggy

2007-07-10T20:17:00.000+01:00

Right, I'm on earlies so I'm a day behind everyone else's viewing which is why this is not going to be about actual house action.

What this is going to be is what I would like to see happen this weekend. I would like people to put Ziggy up for eviction and for him to go out and do all the fake interview for all to hear. Then we might actually hear some truth from his mouth and it'll open everyone's eyes to his bizarre scheming. I want to know why he is suddenly Charley's best buddy AND why he is playing mind games with a 19 year old girl.

the truth will out

2007-07-09T22:32:00.000+01:00

so the BB house is infested with rats as reported in the Irish Times today. and once again endomol and Channel 4 have decided to cover up this story... Originally in this series there were also 6 chickens in the garden. but after a complaint from Hugh Fearnly Whittingstall they were removed along with the pigs and Felicity Kendal.

anyway several rats have been spotted previously on BB. (and two foxes in 2004) but we're unlikely to see any more as traps have been set and as we've seen in previous days, the program has been edited to suit the masses.

now i am aware

2007-07-08T21:13:00.000+01:00

that there is time lag between what happens in the BB house, and what is shown on the telly. but i am sadly disappointed that the first british gay sex ever to happen in the house wasn't shown on tonight's show.

as i'm sure we're all aware of 'most' stories in the british press. surely they should've shown at least some of the 'action' between Chanelle and the aussie...?

i know she's only an actress, and this is a sure-fire way to get ratings up. but there are 1000's of fans who watch the BB Live show all day and all night. and obviously they can only feel saddened by the lack of it tonight, considering the effort they've all put in to keeping all the fan sites up to date.

i might just watch Taggart on Channel 5.

Pauline foul up

2007-07-08T18:33:00.001+01:00

Fans of the occult will be excited to learn that I agree with Gina today - the introduction of this "Australian housemate" hasn't particularly excited me. Big Brother is artificial enough, without all this prat-arsing about. But still, you never know, if she discharges her responsibilities well (or just discharges), it could make for an entertaining week. What I'd really like to see is her convince someone to help her dig an escape tunnel to China.

In the spirit of exciting "plot" twists to spice up the house action, I suggest the following.

1. An alien that only Gerry can see or hear.
2. Marcus Bentley doing his narrative voiceovers for the show in real time from a tennis umpire's chair in the middle of the living room.
3. ANTS.

There is no title, I'm that furious.

2007-07-08T16:53:00.000+01:00

I'll start by giving my opinion on the eviction, Laura is gone, YAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Now for my fury. This fake week seems to be another way of making sure the odious Charley stays on my screen for another week. After the argument with Gerry on Thursday caused simply to make sure she was still the centre of attention (even though she should have kept her snout out)she's almost certain to have been put up for eviction by most if not all the housemates. Although someone else will be up, I have this feeling that the pulic will still vote for her so that her eviction interview can be heard by everyone still in the house. And I'm not happy about this actress, what is the point?!

There's lovely

2007-07-05T10:52:00.000+01:00

Does anyone want to explain to me exactly how it is that, what seems like several months into this year's Big Brother, Charley has not yet faced the public vote? Hmm? How is this? How? How? How? Why? Hmm? HMMM? How? No, really, how? How? How can it be? How? How? Why? I mean, honestly? How? Oh well.

Well done Jonathan

2007-07-04T09:31:00.000+01:00

I thoroughly understand why he had to go, and I say well done to him because it is afterall only a television show and your family are worth much much more than that. I wish him all the best.

Back door man

2007-07-03T18:41:00.000+01:00

Jonathan leaving the Big Brother house makes him the 12th housemate (out of a total of 119) in eight series of UK Big Brother to sneak out the back. As well as equalling last year's all-time record of 3 freak-outs, it also marks something of a watershed for the producers. In the Australian programme where a housemate's relative died and they took the decision to not tell them. Could this be a new human side to Big Brother? Is Jonathan just a big poof? Would he have walked if he needed the money? I'm moist from the questions.

In the spirit of celebration of Jonathan's spellbinding time in the house, during which he had 2 poos and one casserole, let's take a look at his eleven feeble, quitter, Big Brethren:

Nick Bateman (series 1, 2000)
Status: Ejected
Reason: Cheating
After Big Brother: Wrote a predictable book. Is now a butcher.

Sunita Sharma (series 3, 2002)
Status: Walked
Reason: Miserable
After Big Brother: Is now a butcher.

Sandy Cumming (series 3, 2002)
Status: Escaped
Reason: Wackiness
After Big Brother: Since he disappeared over the top of the Elstree compound, he was never seen again. Is assumed to be living with wolves.

Emma Greenwood (series 5, 2004)
Status: Ejected
Reason: Tried to get stabby during a house debate
After Big Brother: Is now a butcher.

Kitten Pinder (series 5, 2004)
Status: Ejected
Reason: Rule-breaking - Weed in the oven; Put Dan's finger up her bottom whilst he was asleep.
After Big Brother: Got eaten by a shark.

Orlaith McAllister (series 6, 2005)
Status: Walked
Reason: Miserable
After Big Brother: Has 3 litters of children a year.

George Askew (series 7, 2006)
Status: Walked
Reason: Didn't want to be famous
After Big Brother: Isn't.

Dawn Blake (series 7, 2006)
Status: Ejected
Reason: Cheating
After Big Brother: Hasn't farted since.

Shabaz Chauhdry (series 7, 2006)
Status: Walked
Reason: Went nuts
After Big Brother: Is now a butcher.

Emily Parr (series 8, 2007)
Status: Ejected
Reason: Racist language
After Big Brother: Joined Radiohead.

Lesley Brain (series 8, 2007)
Status: Walked
Reason: Got bored
After Big Brother: Shepherd.

Looks like

2007-07-03T10:31:00.000+01:00

Jonathan has walked. Apparently his Gran has died and he decided to leave. I can't blame him at all, I'd do exactly the same.

It's a shame though, despite intially not liking him, and finding him quite irritating most of the time, when he's being sarcastic he's very funny. My favourite moment of his was when Charley asked if she'd had to spend two days in the caravan if he'd have missed her more. His response: "Oh yes, I'd have missed you half as much."

Getting Biblical on yo' ass

2007-07-03T08:50:00.000+01:00

The Bible teaches us many lessons, but it also poses us questions we each must answer in our day-to-day lives.
Last night's BB outlined exactly what these questions are: Can Liam abstain from masturbation in the Room Of Porn And Wanking? Can she's-always-in-
the-bedroom sleeping champion Laura keep her eyes open for any length of time? Can anyone watching the dreary Welsh moo keep their eyes open long enough to check? How DOES someone in a hot dog suit have a shit?

My hope: that the Biblical theme does not end there. Next week's task should be the Seven Plagues of Egypt task, where the most vengeful housemate chooses which of their fellows is the most deserving of pants full of froggins, and who should get boils. The remainder would then have to don pantomime camel suits, or walk like an Egyptian, so as to keep the realism high.

It would basically be like Wilson, Keppel and Betty, but with a locust up your Jap's eye.

Bye Bye

2007-06-29T22:18:00.000+01:00

Right, well, Billi has gone and I must say it's no loss, Nasty Nick he ain't.

BRAIN TO WIN!!!!

Shake your booty

2007-06-29T19:43:00.001+01:00

From the official Big Brother website comes some fascinating news for autists and completists alike - the things confiscated from housemates' bags before they entered the house. The similarities between Big Brother and the Cold War are fairly striking, so I hope that these bag checks were done my two unsmiling men in suits and dark glasses. Anyway, Boleslaw being the analytical vessel that it is, let's study the lists of contraband in a little more detail.

AMANDA
MP3 Player, two CDs, four DVDs, phone charger without a phone, two eyeliners, four eyeshadows and a pink whistle.
The thing I most like about this list is that Sam only had a pink whistle confiscated. Whilst the twins do everything together, it seems that Amanda is definitely the packhorse.

CAROLE
Railcard, fake blood and a picture of a dolphin.
Confiscating a picture of a dolphin is a little bit cruel for the sake of being cruel, but the other two things betray a certain lunacy. The fake blood is invariably to convince cynical housemates that she still menstruates. The railcard, always useful.

CHANELLE
Two Spanish vocabulary books, hair straighteners, tan maximiser and an MP3 player and charger.
Chanelle is into self-betterment. One ambition she has is being a speech therapist in Spain, which explains the books. Vanity explains the next two items - although I have no idea what tan maximiser is, Bisto? - and the MP3 player is for playing MP3s. I think this is the most explicable and reasonable bag bounty.

CHARLEY
MP3 player, games console and dental floss.
The dental floss is obviously for garroting her enemies.

EMILY
Diary and deodorant.
A diary is always important for recording your experience, when you enter a house full of cameras. The pity for Emily is that all evicted contestants write a diary of their experience of their first week out of the house on the Channel 4 website. D'oh! Oh, and whilst she's down, I wish to point out she has smelly armpits.

GERRY
Playing cards, six books, science fiction DVDs, shoe polish, sea shells and a juicer.
Gerry obviously fancied hustling a few pounds off of his fellow housemates. Whilst blacked up.

LAURA
Suntan lotion, packet of straws, umbrella, hair straighteners and four books.

Straws? UMBRELLA?

LESLEY
George Orwell's novel '1984', diary and hairspray.
Oh Lesley, I see what you did there with the book. Very clever!

NICKY
Two nail files, two books, gold bra, gold watch and needles and thread.
Is this gold bra made from solid gold? Now Nicky's classical looks are explained - she's Tutankhamun.

SAM
A pink whistle.
Ooh, was that heavy for you? Get your sister to help. On a more serious note, I think the rest of the housemates would join me in thanking Big Brother for confiscating a pair of whistles from those daffy bints.

SEANY
Cod liver oil, moisturiser, various aftershaves, fake tan lotion, shell suit and sweatbands.
Disappointingly ordinary. I would have preferred a fake hand, exploding cigars and fart sweets.

SHABNAM
One DVD.
What the hell are all these people doing bringing DVDs in? Have they seen Big Brother? It's not Film 2007.

TRACEY
Cold and flu medicine, two lacy bras and suntan lotion.
Wearing lacy bras can give anyone a chill, it's true. Whilst I'm glad Tracey does not have access to lacy bras, the alternative perhaps troubles me even more.

ZIGGY
Leather jacket, long black coat and a scarf.
Ziggy's true identity is revealed. The Doctor.

There are, sadly, no lists for the 4 most recent admissions to the HOUSE OF FUN. However, that does allow us to introduce the first Boleslaw puzzle page! Simply match the housemate to his seized booty! Good luck!

mini-5olly update #4 (i think)

2007-06-29T11:13:00.000+01:00

now this week has been difficult for the housemates.. it's also been difficult for me to get any inside views from the head of a 12 year old. but here's what i've managed to glean from mini-5olly's minature head.

Amander (that's how it's spelt, we're all wrong) to win over all.
or Samantha. (i suppose they are similar after all)
Carole to get evicted tonight.
Brian isn't well liked, mainly cos he's thin. ??
Jonathon is too old and boring
Chanelle does NOT look like Posh Spice
Ziggy smells LOL!
Fat Laura STINKS!! LOL!
Liam can be a bit boring and difficult to understand, mainly cos he's foreign
Nicky BORING
Tracey :- what does PHAT! mean? (what demographic actually understand this word?)
Gerry BORING
and finally Charley... now believe it or not. mini-5olly holds NO opinion of her. which i find rather interesting. i'm sure there's a deeper meaning here somewhere.

Cruel and unusual

2007-06-28T09:09:00.000+01:00

Human Rights scholars need only watch Channel 4 of an evening to find a place where the articles of The Geneva Convention 1949 (the same year Nineteen Eighty-Four was published... coincidence?) have no jurisdiction. Big Brother has been brilliant for making housemates suffer this year, and if Brian is not in favour of eating anything creamy, I think WE all are. After all, we have to suffer watching them all prat about, so them lording it up in the house would be most distasteful.

This year, I think the series has struck just the right balance of cruelty and underhandedness.

To that end, here are my suggestions for future weekly tasks and punishments. Anyone from the production staff reading this, feel free to use them.

The Diarrhoea Task the rampant trots are chemically-induced in all housemates, all toilets locked and replaced by a single trough in the middle of the garden

The Chemotherapy Task housemates must undergo chemotherapy for 72 consecutive hours. No less than 2 housemates must be receiving the treatment at any one time.

The Crucifixion Task at least one housemate must be nailed to a cross at all times over a 5 day period. A gap of no more than 5 minutes will be permitted for changeovers.

The punishment for failure of all of these tasks: Charley made immune from nomination forever.

Brian of Britain

2007-06-27T21:47:00.000+01:00

Oh my, only once before have I applauded the television during Big Brother (it was when Grace was evicted in case you were curious) but tonight, my lovely Brian was the cause. Brain as I'm going to call him has been the village idiot of the house pretty much since he arrived. He's wet the bed, believed all manner of ridicious things and thought girls didn't shit like men. I love him and his simple ways. But tonight he has surpassed all my expectations by stepping in between the fight going on with Billi and Charley. Brain I salute you!!

Enigma machine

2007-06-27T20:49:00.000+01:00

Scandal brews in the Big Brother house - is multiple-nominee and Bugs Bunny cartoon with a witch in it-faced eccentric cleaner Tracey communicating to the outside world using a special code? Boleslaw have dragged the people who manned Bletchley Park during World War II out of their retirement homes and hospital beds to solve the mystery.

Counting the frequency of the occurences of Tracey's key expressions, and cross-referencing them with contexts and situations within the group dynamic, Vera, Sid and Chalky have come up with the following BOLESLAW EXCLUSIVE print out-and-keep guide:

Havin' it!
What I am seeing is in some way satisfactory to me, my needs or values

Yeah baby!
Yes.

Phat!
I am inarticulate.

Renaissance man

2007-06-26T16:44:00.001+01:00

It's fair to say that I've been a little slack about watching Big Brother recently. I've been drinking myself into a state best described in the 1951 North Korean army pamphlet, "Alcoholic Drink Makes Our Soldiers Flabby Imperialist Deserters". Some rudimentary research into what is currently going on in the house - programs out of Cold War psychological torture manuals - however, is likely to get me interested again quickly. No matter, though, as Boleslaw has scouts everywhere, reporting back to me and telling me exactly what to think and write.

Brian.

Some argue that he's doing this deliberately, setting himself up as a Jade Goody. If this is so, he should abort fast - he'll be found out sooner or later. You can't keep a façade of relentless stupidity up indefinitely, without accidentally quoting Pliny. As such, I think it's probably just the case that he's thick. Let's work within this paradigm.

All things considered, he's been getting quite a hard time for his lack of knowledge about Romeo & Juliet, but I actually think he's making a valuable socio-political point. What IS of the most cultural and intellectual significance these days? Students of the well-known pickled philosopher Jeremy Bentham will know that he argued (Bentham, not Brian, I doubt he could spell 'poetry') that "Pushpin is as good as poetry". Quite opposed to the Utilitarian philosophy of John Stuart Mill, which argues certain acts are more valuable, more fecund, than others, Bentham thought people should seek to do what increases the general social utility. If you can do something that makes you happy, in other words, without harming the interests of others, you should do it. Never before has any philosopher gone to such lengths to justify a mid-morning wank.

Brian's point is, therefore, a worthwhile debate. Who DOES Shakespeare think he is? What is his relevance in the 21st Century? Brian, I salute you.

As ever, you can click the picture to make it readable if you are a bit squinty. Tomorrow, Laura versus Wittgenstein.

mini-5olly friday update no# 3

2007-06-22T16:08:00.000+01:00

hello! and welcome to this week's friday mini-5olly update.

Billi : Hardly know him.
Gerry : Kay!
Chanelle : She's okay. She won't win.
Ziggy : Needs a haircut and a proper kiss.
Carole : will probably be going, especially as she was mean to Nicky. She can be a mean bean.
Brian : Needs help with girls
Jonathon : Fancies Carole...
Nicky : She's moany
Liam : He seems alright.
Laura : Fat
Amanda : Still my fave, she can swim better than anyone
Sam : Next best (apparently you can tell them apart by their hair. Amanda has black roots at the back!!!)
Seany : Utter fucking twat. (dad's opinion. she said he was okay)

see you next week!

Like a duck to water

2007-06-22T10:49:00.000+01:00

So far, the highlight of Big Brother, for me at least, was watching Charley get pushed in the pool. Obviously, it was a mean thing to do but her wanting to 'out-do' Nicky was just absolutely ridiculous and I was almost shouting at the TV over how petty and ridiculous she was being.
I think that every time she starts another stupid 'argument' (ie. she just shouts at someone and when they try to respond she tells them not to raise their voice to her) someone should just pick her up and dump her in the pool. Even if she is wearing her Gucci boots.

LIAM TO WIN!

2007-06-21T21:47:00.000+01:00

I was going to make a picture to go with this post, but laziness took over and I couldn't be arsed. So, you'll have to imagine Kate's face on Liam's body, can you see it? Good.

So, back to the point. LIAM TO WIN! What a thoroughly nice geezer he seems to be, he talks like his head is screwed on, and he's got the measure of several people in the house, plus I thought his reaction to winning the 100k and what he was going to spend it on was just adorable. He didn't once mention anything for himself after he listed things for the rest of his family. Good on you son!

LIAM TO WIN!!!!!!

Challenge TV

2007-06-21T13:26:00.000+01:00

I've been constantly delighted by what the makers of the show have managed to put the contestants through so far - not one of their challenges or punishments has yet failed to spark off some wholesome, bitter arguments. This week's £100K giveaway (without telling the rest of them that there's still a £100 grand pot for the winner of the show, heh) was something of a masterstroke, and also tells us a little something about how hard they've been feeling the loss of their sponsorship from The Carphone Warehouse.

It's the swimming challenge, though, that will prove the most valuable for finding out about the true mettle of our 15 new chums. First to fall seems to have been Gerry, who is getting increasingly bitter and twisted about some of the female housemates' efforts. Telling any vain young woman that their stamina in a physical task is lacking is tantamount to calling them a heifer, so Gerry is walking a fine line. Nicky got out her most moany voice, too, but I can remember little of what was said on account of the unbelievable state of the bedroom. Someone, please, tidy it up. It's a disgrace.

But, I suppose, it could make for a good "rat catching" task next week. They'd love that, the wannabe singers and models. Carole, in the meantime, looks to be the sort of person who'd pick them up with her bare hands and snap their necks.

The £100,000 giveaway

2007-06-21T12:04:00.000+01:00

Blimey, that was a bit of a surprise. I haven't seen enough of Liam to decide whether he deserves the £100K or not but he seems a nice enough chap. It should really change the game though, everybody is already claiming they aren't in it for the money and just for the 'experience'. I wonder who will be the first to walk? I reckon it'll be Charley. She's been in long enough to get her boobs out in Loaded and now she thinks she wont get the money for staying in, she'll be out the door I think.
Regarding the evictions, it's got to be Jonathan out. Firstly, because he looks like snooker player/A Question of Sport regular John Parrott. Secondly, his misguided belief that he would win because 'he didn't need the money'. The British public don't work like that. We hate people who have £6m in the bank. We have a grudging respect for someone who has done good, but we're a people full of envy and we're not going to give £100k to someone who is rich already.

blah blah blah

2007-06-20T20:45:00.000+01:00

Dotmund will enjoy this: what a disappointing round of nominations.
As I don't like any of the new people I'm half-heartedly rooting for Jonathan. I'd rather it was the dullest man alive, Billi. Who would have thought there could be a housemate that more closely resembled Catherine Tate's (over-rated) teenage girl character than Charley?

Yes, this post was basically an excuse to post THAT picture.

The little things make up life

2007-06-20T09:24:00.001+01:00

Carole, Seany and Jonathan are facing the public vote this week. For Seany it represents perhaps the most interesting thing he's accomplished in the house so far, for Jonathan it means that I hope he didn't unpack too hastily. Carole must be wondering exactly what it is she's done to upset everyone. In the meantime, Charley - if she was the sort of person given to believing she is capable of any wrongdoing - would be breathing a sigh of relief. I think everyone thought she was a shoo-in to leave on Friday, but she's not even up. How is this possible when she's such a bitch?

The answer comes from our good friend there, Hank Scorpio of the Globex Corporation. You can't ignore the little things, the little things make up life. What happens in the house for the other 23 hours? I think it's probably the piffling stuff we don't see that really guides the housemates' nominations every week. Much better for ratings to show Charley going off on one, than Nicky politely asking Seany for the FOURTH time that day to at least ASK her before he uses her fungal foot powder. Bitching excites the senses, whilst the fact that Carole entering a room sees everyone go quiet and slowly drift away would be exceptionally boring television. These petty annoyances build up and up, to the point where maybe blowing off steam in a huge argument with Charley about absolutely nothing actually comes as a relief.

It's what makes Big Brother for me - the conflict of votes of the people who see everything with the votes of the people who see an hour's shitting, tantrums and tears once a day. The worry is that Charley could become a new Jade. The Goody spent the majority of her first month in the house making the more socially-conscious amongst us wondering if she might get assassinated upon her inevitable eviction. The housemates, on the other hand, seemed oblivious to this. By the time Jade finished 4th, she floated out the door riding on the thermals of public adulation normally reserved for Royal Weddings. Please god tell me we're not incubating another one?

Numberwang

2007-06-19T19:46:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I wrote about how I think that Big Brother is angling us towards wanting an almighty Chanelle victory this summer. However, your beloved Boleslaw punditry team are a free-thinking bunch, and are likely to be unimpressed by any editorial line. I decided to have a look at our exciting and pink post tags, to see who has made the greatest impact on our summer's viewing so far.

Most posts:

19 Charley
18 Chanelle
17 Ziggy
12 Lesley
12 Emily
10 Shabnam
9 Laura
7 Tracey
7 Nicky
7 Carole
6 Sam
5 Gerry
5 Amanda
2 Seany
1 Liam
1 Jonathan
1 Brian
1 Billi

Few surprises there. Argumentative rabble rouser Charley comes out on top, incurring a hearty portion of ire on a frequent basis. Down the bottom, naturally, are our newcomers in trousers. The most eyebrow tweaking fact here is perhaps either that Amanda has garnered one less post than her genetically identical sibling. Similarly worthy of note, perhaps, is that Laura has had 9 posts feature her dulcet Welshness, in spite of having completely and utterly disappeared into the background.

The Vordermaniser 2007 was then wheeled out of the cupboard to crank out the key figure - everyone's posts-per-day ratio, a figure that accounts for the fact not everyone has been in the house as long as everyone else. This is perhaps the truest account of what has made us fume this June.

1st. Emily (1.33)
2nd. Lesley (1.09)
3rd. Ziggy (0.94)
4th. Charley (0.91)
5th. Chanelle (0.86)
6th. Shabnam (0.59)
7th. Gerry (0.46)
8th. Laura (0.43)
9th. Carole (0.33)
= Nicky (0.33)
= Tracey (0.33)
12th. Sam (0.29)
13th. Billi (0.25)
= Brian (0.25)
= Jonathan (0.25)
= Liam (0.25)
17th. Amanda (0.24)
18th. Seany (0.18)

Hardly a shock to see Emily "Heinrich Himmler" Parr rule the roost with a frankly massive 1.33 posts about her during her 10 day spell in the house, but Lesley clearly touched a nerve with us sensitive Boleslaw types too. Doing the best for the men are an impressive Ziggy, possibly on account of spending all his time so far arguing with Charley and canoodling Chanelle, two of the top performers. Gerry, too, is putting up an impressive performance. The laggers: Amanda has less posts-per-day than the 4 new blokes, most of whose names we may not have even remembered yet. Seany brings up the rear. Well, yes. I'm sure it's within all our stragglers' grasp to increase their scores. Bitching, tears, racism or a nervous breakdown seem to be the favoured ways at the moment. I'm sure Seany could find a more creative solution, though.

Dance, puppets, dance!

Ear today

2007-06-18T17:47:00.000+01:00

I woke up this morning to discover that my ear has seemingly popped during the night, leaving with me muffled hearing and tinnitus. Ideal, you might think, for watching last night's Big Brother action... but no, it actually just made it more depressing. I could still hear enough of Charley's increasingly flabbergasting denials that she fancies any of the men in the house - crossing your legs and whooping WHOA MAMMA at the sight of anything with a Y chromosome walking through the door rather betrays a different story, dear - appended by a delightful buzzy ringing sound. Bugger.

To the doctor's tomorrow, then, to get my head seen to. Which brings us neatly onto the four new housemates. To be honest, I think they have the potential to be an interesting bunch. My favourite at the moment is probably Jonathan, who seems grounded enough to not get drawn into too many hysterical arguments about fags, youth culture, cheese, dogs or grass or whatever Charley is upset about today. That said, mentioning how wealthy and successful he is constantly will get pretty wearing after a couple of hours of viewing, I should think. Public adulation is very much in his own hands! He won't care about this fact, of course, sleeping in his golden bed on a pile of money, surrounded by beautiful women.

Billi - oh christ, these names - is a model (who'd have ever suspected?) and the first of the trio of Chanelle's crotch sniffers. That said, more or less everyone in the house would jump at the opportunity, it seems. Seany showed his freshness at the whole gay business by revealing the truth about Gaydars. Apparently, you walk up to the suspect, put your hand on their shoulder and ask "are you gay?" "No", came the answer in this instance, at which point the majority of the house grabbed their Dutch cap. Charley was most firm in her denial she liked him, which is a sure sign that someone will soon have to put a mattress through the mangle.

She was similarly energised at the sight of Brian, who she'd met at audition. Small world, eh? Well, yes, especially if it's actually just a room full of people who want to be on the same TV show. Brian seems fairly up for the whole thing, and has thrown himself enthusiastically into more or less everything he can to fit in - the wholehearted pursuit of Chanelle being one of the most important bonding rituals at this time. I like Brian from what I've seen. Seems like he's nicely balanced (the creepy twins could confirm this to me for sure, after giggling at the sight of his winky in the bathroom), entirely rounded (again, the twins...) and with a nice sense of perspective about where he finds himself and why. Also, I can spell his name, which is rapidly becoming a bonus.

I feel similarly about Liam, who adds a particularly welcome reminder that there's bits of Britain north of Leeds to this series. Liam is a buff, outdoorsy tree hacking type, whose earthy charms did not escape the notice of the females, most of whom by this stage had external optic nerves. He seemingly has Brian's sense of rationality, combined perhaps with a bit of wide-eyed bucolic charm a la Glynn. Of course, first impressions rarely count for much on Big Brother, so it's just as possible that, in common with the majority of people who have professional access to a chainsaw, that he's the last type of person you'd want to have a chainsaw. We shall see. Either way, Ziggy's puffed out chest and gruff voiced "HI THERE, I'M ZIGGY" which accompanied each of the last three arrivals, along with the steeliest gaze and firmest handshake anyone from Surrey could ever possibly muster up, was a TV treat.

Central to what is about to happen in the house is Chanelle. I am beginning to suspect Big Brother are setting her up as the potential winner. We are being shown the full smorgasbord of her experiences, from singing to crippling insecurity, via the way of bitching and menstruation. Compare and contrast with Charley - who we are only ever shown being disagreeable - Carole - who we are only ever shown tidying up - or Shabnam - who we only ever saw being annoying - and something of a pattern emerges. It's on a plate for Chank, just as long as she can continue to steer her conversation wide of Inuits for the next 10 weeks.

Green eyed monster

2007-06-17T22:09:00.001+01:00

Well, these new blokes have certainly started to make things a little interesting.

Take Ziggy firstly, he has seen that the other single blokes fancy Chanelle, and now the territory is well and truly being marked. Not only has he made it perfectly clear that she is his, he's also been re-affirming his own position directly with her, asking questions about whether he is her type, etc..etc..

Now for Charley, there are blokes in the house, time for her to plump out her feathers and strutt about. Except, it's not going to be as simple as that is it? The blokes all seem to have the measure of her, and once again she is being sidelined for Chanelle. I can't wait for the first argument out of nowhere based purely on how jealous Charley is.

mini-5olly update

2007-06-15T16:52:00.000+01:00

Chanelle:- she's okay.
Amanda :- She's my favourite. coz she's really, really, really, really pretty.
Samantha:- (sorry Sam) :- shez okay. coz she's Amanda's sister.
Carole:- BIG.
Ziggy:- kay. but i don't like him. coz.
Laura:- I hardly know her.
Tracey:- OK.
Shabnam:- errr. she thinks she's pretty but she isn't.
Gerry:- gay
Séany:- gay 2. WHATEVER. (gay means that a man loves another man)
Nicky:. kay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charley:- i hate her. coz she's a mean bean... (3 dots are important)

don't know who's gonna be evicted tonight. or in fact who's going to stay.. but i reckon Shabnam will be going.

you heard it here first.

Top Dog (you see what I did there?)

2007-06-14T21:57:00.000+01:00

Wow! Nicky has turned into the new (and apparently 100% genuine) Nikki. Tantrums, unstoppable and inexplicable whinging, an inability to not speak any thought and there's even a food obsession! Nicky is also locked in an amusing battle with Chanelle, Charley and Carole for the position of alpha female.

Chanelle has dropped out of the bickering recently and has taken the tack of hopping a bit territorially into the boy's beds. It's one way to stay in the game, but it's annoying to me because it's a tactic that will prolong her stay in the house and she's riding quite high in my vile list. Ziggy pretends not to mind, but I suspect he's probably struggling quite hard with the fact that Chanelle's other favourite, Gerry, is definitely far more intelligent, a touch better looking and probably more fun than him. I quite liked Ziggy for the first week as he seemed quite level-headed, but as time goes on I think actually, he just doesn't have much of a personality.

Carole seems to be backing away from the fight a bit and taking her own advice of leaving them to it, she also looked very much as though she might leave the house altogether.

Now there isn't anything I like about Charley, but by god her ability to take offence and pick a fight at the merest slight is amazing, and her pronouncements this evening on being the best at being thin, pretty, considerate, an "it-girl" (I thought you needed a trust fund for that?) and so on did give me a good laugh, so I will be sorry to see her go when she is inevitably given the boot ~~tomorrow~~ very soon (sorry, I'm a spack).

Shabnam hasn't got a great deal going for her in the alpha female stakes, but she is very good at bickering.

Meanwhile in the midst of all this bickering, the creepy twins who promised so much in terms of Nikki-style annoyance at the start are only able to stare in blank disbelief and misunderstanding. They look like they are wondering why the world is such a horrible place and why Mummy and Aunty Charley are fighting again and if it is their fault. However, this has left them in a position where no one else in the house can pick a fight with them for fear of repercussions from the rest of the group. It would be like kicking a puppy. It would be nice to see them exploit this position and rule the roost for a bit (and then of course we'd see a nice build up of resentment and hopefully the back of one of them) but I think they lack the brain power and personality. Or is that just what they want me to think?

Sorry, I haven't blogged for a bit, that turned into something of a brain spunk. I need a fag now.

The times they are a changing

2007-06-14T21:41:00.000+01:00

Right well, what has happened to Laura and Nicky? I had such high hopes for these two and they've let me down.
Nicky never ever ever ever ever ever ever stops whinging. She seems to think she is some sort of Gordon Ramsey and if anyone else gets near the kitchen she sees it as a personal affront to her. She also seems mortally offended if anyone eats ANYTHING she hasn't rationed out for them.
Laura, well, when did she stop being nice and start being a right old cow?! I was banking on her being the next Helen or Glynn, but no! I can't work out if she is just jealous of Chanelle or what.

Now, I do dislike Charley massively, BUT I don't think she should go anytime soon, afterall, who else will say things like "I'm the thinnest person in the house". I also think that the amount of stirring she is doing is going to be ace in a few days time.

Chemistry lesson

2007-06-14T18:51:00.000+01:00

OK, I admit I may have been a little hasty. After last night's Channel 4 show, it now seems clear to me that Channel 4 have managed to get the mixture about right in the house this year. In amongst the CONSTANT singing from the twins - someone stop them now - and Tracey's baffling nose emerged some top quality bitching. Futile arguments, too. It was one of the funnier things I've seen on TV this summer so far.

Central to all the fun are the heroically mismatched trio of Chanelle, Charley and Nicky. Chanelle, as we now all know, is on the monthies at the moment and finding refuge in toast. Toast they SIMPLY DO NOT HAVE. Nicky, whose watchfulness on the food stocks is similar to that of a Golden Eagle with a nest full of squabby beakers, had a little peck at her. Wonderfully, this hurt successfully rumbled on long into the hours of darkness, when an argument about some of Charley's incredibly hip street patois managed to dredge everything up once again. Watching Nicky work herself up into a state of apoplexy trying to get any point whatsoever through Charley's thick head is a joy.

Charley's phenomenal stupidity is a lot like the Final Solution. OK, so it's easy to see it, to learn about it, to feel morally outraged about it - all you have to do is turn on the television. But not one of us who hasn't experienced it first hand can truly know its horrors. Nicky's pledge to give up smoking to aid the food budget may well help her keep away from going completely insane in the smoking area, but it could equally end up with her having to snaffle tabs off of her bitterly thick foe Charles. This, for me, will be A Good Thing. One thing is much clearer - the majority of BB's appeal at the moment is coming out of this confrontation between Nick and Chuck - a confrontation that would be a no-contest but for Charley's unshakeable belief in her own rectitude. This means you think you're right, Charley, by the way.

Together with Chanelle, they have bonded into a little fizz-bomb of total antagonism, masquerading as Female Unity. Expect Big Brother to pull every trick available to them to keep the three together in the house for as long as they possibly can. They themselves will have to make no such concessions, as in a quite brilliant twist, not one of them seem able to stay out of the others' company for more than a few hours.

Everyone else has taken the back seat to the best three-way tussle since the Royal Wedding, having to content themselves with splashing about in a bucket of fish. They seemed nonplussed, to be honest. Quite how far Channel 4 are going to have to push the punishments before they realise that they've all been yattering about nominations 24 hours a day thus far, I don't know, but I fear the first televised crucifixion is not necessarily far off. These people wouldn't last a SECOND in Fight Club the first rule of which, as we all know, is you do not discuss nominations with other housemates.

Sixteenth minute

2007-06-13T08:35:00.000+01:00

This year's contestants are, to be very frank, an uninspiring bunch at best (apart from Gerry and his cuddle monkey. Gerry to win). At worst, they are highly, highly annoying. Still, they are all getting their 15 minutes of fame. One hopes, in the majority of cases, that it will LITERALLY be 15 minutes. It made me hanker after the days of Darren walking around the garden talking to a chicken. So, I had a think about who the Big Brother UK contestants are who have actually made any sort of lasting impact. Out of 115 contestants, I managed to find 6. I was impressed even by this.

Anyway, here they are, in reverse order. Phat.

6. Alison Hammond (series 3, 2002 - evicted on day 15)
Big Brummie Alison didn't make a great deal of impact during her fortnight in the house, except for on a picnic table she bounced on until it collapsed under her. However, in an unlikely twist, her straightforward ordinariness that got her dismissed by the public has actually been her meal ticket - she's now a regular reporter on This Morning.

5. Brian Dowling (series 2, 2001 - winner)
Massively camp Irish gayer Brian was the obvious choice to win BB2, on the strength of his own personality alone as well as the fact everyone else was either dreary or a prick. I'll leave it up to any of his fellow housemates reading this to decide which one they were. TV producers everywhere rejoiced, because they'd unearthed a Lidl Graham Norton. Dowling went on to replace Antanddec McGeordie on SM:TV, and is now a presenter on all manner of quiz channels scattered around cable at times when you are drunk.

4. Kate Lawler (series 3, 2002 - winner)
The first (and some would argue only) female winner of Big Brother in the UK charmed us all with her wit and talent for mimickry. It was obvious, then, that she'd find herself giving the benefit of her personality on TV shows. Sadly, the TV show she did it on was RI:SE, Channel 4's hoofing replacement for The Big Breakfast. She's since moved on to a number of other ventures on channels with names like brands of Swedish chocolate bars. Her public battle with anorexia and other such stuff that no-one in their right mind cares about has managed to keep her profile high.

3. Jon Tickle (series 4, 2003 - evicted day 29, reintroduced as a guest in week 8)
The only possible good thing to emerge from the soporiphic BB4, Jon Tickle was so clearly the star that Channel 4 stuck him back in the house as a non-playing guest in the final weeks just to try and spruce the bastard up. Geeky Jon was like Mr. Logic from Viz, using the Diary room for its literal purpose every morning with his slice of toast (toast being a bugbear of his). Since leaving the house, he was snaffled up by Sky One as the resident science boffin on Brainiac. There he has carved himself quite a niche as an enormously likeable, if sometimes wide-eyed-in-discomfort, television presenter.

2. Nick Bateman (series 1, 2000 - ejected day 35)
"I've got a problem with yourshelf, Nicholash". Oh Nick, you big, creepy, cheaty cheating bastard. The man Channel 4 instructed us it was good to dislike may have united a nation in scorn in the first summer of the 3rd Millennium, but that was precisely the thing. Big Brother was a curios, tucked away on a channel that no-one without 'A' levels ever watched. Bateman was what made Big Brother explode into the wider consciousness. Channel 4 owes the show's perpetual, and frequently baffling, success almost entirely to Nick Bateman and his ratty bits of paper.

"Hello Big Brother, I've... made a mistake"
*SOUND OF PETER BAZALGETTE'S TESTES EXPLODING*

1. Jade Goody (series 3, 2002 - fourth place; Celebrity Big Brother series 5, 2007 - evicted day 17)
Oh god, it's Jade. Her fame from the show is largely summed up by the fact she subsequently went into the Celebrity BB house, and got chucked out for apparently being a massive racist. However, she could have tied Shilpa Shetty to a burning cross, nothing seems likely to diminish the effect that she has on British "cultural" life. Originally lambasted during her first spell in the house for being fat (she was) and stupid (she is), her transformation to a countercultural idol - a rallying point for everyone in Britain who is basically an idiot (c. 35-50 million people) - is BB's most enduring story. Since leaving the house, she's done glamour, fitness videos, had babies, got married, got divorced, cried a lot, laughed a lot and appeared on a rash of "Celebrity" shows. In an unusual move, she also released an entirely ghostwritten "Autobiography". She can't even wee herself in a kebab house without it being front page news in the red tops the next day. Ladies and gentlemen: Jade Goody is.... FAMOUS.

She's worth it

2007-06-12T12:02:00.000+01:00

I don't know if anyone else noticed this, but during her cunning Big Brother PUNISHMENT of being forbidden to wear make-up, Shabnam's face looked paler and paler every day.

I for one began to wonder if, far from the eyeshadow she claims to enjoy so much, she actually just uses it to black up? And Emily gets in trouble for just saying something...

Fracture lines

2007-06-11T08:16:00.000+01:00

I don't vote on Big Brother. I never have, and short of someone in the house starting to ethnically cleanse everyone else or drowning kittens in the pool, never will. Part of the joy of it for me is to see the whim of the sort of person who only watches Channel 4 once every year played out. It adds to the drama. I don't know what they'll make of Gerry, then, but hopefully he'll get a good long run because he seems to have rather more to offer than the 'average' contestant. The other newbie, Séany, is as wide-eyed an Oirishman as you could hope to see. I expect all new and exciting house developments to be accompanied by a fulsome "JAYSUS!".

Lesley leaving the compound is sad news. Although she mainly stood back from the action, I believe she was the glue that held the group together. That is to say, whatever little cliques were emerging, she stood in the background of all of them, tossing in the occasional pithy (i.e. rude) suggestion. Her departure - accompanied, one would hope, by the music from The Littlest Hobo - is the beginning of one of the summer's most inevitable phases: BB Clique Frenzy!

Ultimately, it's boiling down to the following:

All chaps together
The three lads, bound at this stage only by the fact they all stand up to have a piss (although with Séany, you perhaps wonder), will invariably form the first group. A blustery, masculine chat about birds, football and Led Zeppelin will soon follow, punctuated with farts.

Oh good god, I don't know how much fucking more I can take, for the love of all that is holy, someone strangle them, girly-girls group
The twins - remember how much more pleasant they are when they just shut their faces, Big Brother, before you just throw a lion in with the two of them in the Diary Room - and Chanelle seem to have formed an acapella singing trio. And christ, I wish they hadn't. I can't even watch it. Someone, please, shut them up. Please. Laura, who is currently floating between the different emerging factions, will sometimes be found with this group, as either a groupie or roadie depending on what she's wearing, and if she's shaved.

Like, y'knaa wot a mean, gurws? nicotine death clique
Smokers! Nothing binds humans together like the warming smell of lung cancer, and the smokers of the house - Charley, Nicky and Tracey - have formed a full-time lurking bitch-clique. Laura, who like all Welsh people can shoot fire out of their bellybutton, sometimes hovers around to light their snouts. Shabnam can also be found with these girls, probably trying to get a face covered with tar in lieu of Rimmel.

Upstairs, Downstairs
The remaining faction in the house is poor old Carole, AKA Mrs. Overall, the house drudge. She can mainly be found clearing up. Quite whose side she takes or who she talks to depends largely on whether she's cleaning up Carling cans, mascara-flecked tears or fag ends at that particular moment. In the words of a man you must know about, Carole, you have nothing to lose but your chains. RISE UP!

Oh, and by the way Charley, it's entirely reasonable to assume the crowd would be chanting "get Charley out", you're a bitch. Thanks.

Oooh

2007-06-09T10:15:00.001+01:00

and according to the top of the official big brother site Lesley has left! boo!

I can't be bothered to elaborate

2007-06-09T09:59:00.000+01:00

and I only just caught the end of big brother last night but GERRY has the look of a big brother winner.
He also made me wonder how Thomas would get along in there.

well it would seem that we're not supposed to give weekly round-ups...

2007-06-08T16:38:00.000+01:00

but for the definitive guide to the current contestants, you could ask for no more than the innocent opinion of an eleven year old girl. roll on mini-5olly.

Charley: She's weird, cos she's a mean bean like Bonnie is. (i have no idea who Bonnie is)
Emily: Horrible
Lesley: I don't know. but she is old.
Ziggy: i feel sorry for him because he's the only man, because he's the only boy and having to put up with all those girls.
Shabnam: don't know who that is.
Sam and Amanda: they're the only ones i like cos they're pretty!
Nicky: nope. no idea who she is.
Channele: she's okay.
Carole: huh?
Laura: who?
Tracey: she's okay and has pink hair.

so. there you go. obviously mini-5olly would never be allowed to stay up that late to watch BB. all her opinions are probably from the playground. obviously Sam and Amanda should win. i can't agree more.

Six degrees of Ziggy Bacon

2007-06-08T08:18:00.000+01:00

It's a well-established fact that Kevin Bacon has been in everything, ever. Well, his portfolio is now seemingly complete, with his appearance in the Big Brother house. My hope for future house arguments is that Ziggy will evoke the spirit of Bacon's performance as rent-boy Willie O'Keefe in JFK by telling Lesley she "don't know shit cos you ain't ever been fucked in the ass."

The other notable fact about Kevin Bacon is that you can link any other film actor on earth with him in 6 moves or less. Given that our very own Ziggy would appear to be at the very least related to The Bacon, I was sure I could do the same for him. My findings reveal that I was quite correct, and that Ziggy has a Bacon Number of 4.

Ziggy Lichman is in Big Brother 8 with Davina McCall

1. Davina McCall was in Sam's Game with Debra Stephenson
2. Debra Stephenson was in Bad Girls with Stephanie Beacham
3. Stephanie Beacham was in Relative Values with Colin Firth
4. Colin Firth was in Where The Truth Lies with Kevin Bacon

Now THAT is journalism. Nowhere else but Boleslaw do you find such insight!

Two blokes going in Friday

2007-06-07T13:59:00.000+01:00

So, Ziggy is getting his wish for more male company. Not just one, but two new men entering the house on Friday evening. It'll be one outrageously camp but far too good looking gay man and I'm hoping the other will be an older gentleman, to keep Lesley company.

This machine kills fascists

2007-06-07T13:35:00.001+01:00

Channel 4 copped a lot of stick during the last series of Celebrity Big Brother for allowing, and indeed offering a platform for, RACIST BULLYING. I don't watch Celebrity Big Brother myself - given the fact that every contestant on 'ordinary' Big Brother becomes the purest type of celebrity anyway (famous for being famous), I don't see the point of it - so I can't really comment on the furore that followed. However, I can understand why that shitstorm made Big Brother act with dazzling swiftness this time to remove Emily for dropping the N-bomb on Wednesday night.

There's bound to be a moral panic in the media about this, and people (probably Darcus Howe) are bound to ask if Big Brother should be allowed to continue. More intelligent people will grind their teeth in anguish about the kind of society we now live in, as all the Big Brother mirror seems to reflect back is negativity and hatred. More intelligent people still will realise that, in Emily's case, it's just a young girl saying something stupid in the throes of exuberance that she will regret for a long, long time. I hope, possibly beyond hope, that the media will present this with some form of perspective, so as to prevent the poor kid from being forced to run into the warming, friendly arms of Combat-18.

Still, maybe that's an avenue that Big Brother can explore. Instead of the normal intake of wannabe models and actual models, how about an official association with the Home Office? Every year, the compound could be filled with people who John Reid suspects of being racists or terrorists, in the hope that they manage to reveal themselves as such. Davina McCall's interviews with evictees would take on a new - Guantanamo Bay - significance. "You've got one minute to say your goodbyes, the rozzers are coming to get you!" A montage of people's best bits could be accompanied by a rectal exam.

Trial by television, in the name of entertainment. Awesome. George Orwell would be shitting himself.

The first week

2007-06-07T11:25:00.000+01:00

Well, they've been in the house for seven nights. Emily has been kicked out for being a bit racist, which kind of takes the pleasure out of seeing her booed as she was voted out on Friday. We'll just have to make do with either Shabs or Charley being booed instead.

I was unsure about Ziggy when he first came into the house, thinking he was just going to be a stupid pretty boy but I actually quite like him now. He's not taking any shit from the preeners and seems to speak his mind. His beeline for Chanelle is quite funny to watch as the other girls are obviously incredibly jealous and it's meant their bitchy sides have come out more.

In the 'rating' task, could Charley have jumped onto the number one spot as the 'prettiest' - after Chanelle left it for about a second - any quicker? I reckon she should go the Olympics to do the 100m and tell her that whoever won would be declared the prettiest. She'd romp it. Unless you told Shabnam there was a modelling contract from Loaded at the finishing line.

Laura and the twins have kind of faded into the background a little, Tracey seems to have calmed down a bit, apart from her occasional baiting of the girlies. Nicky is attempting to be a voice of reason but does it in such a condescending way that she ends up causing far more arguments. Lesley is slowly descending into madness and Carole has taken the role of a white Mammy Two Shoes. I'd like to see her wallop some of the other housemates with a broom anyway.

My intial reactions to everyone are pretty much the same so far. I still don't really *like* any of them. I'm warming to Chanelle a little more but mainly as she seems to be getting more screen time than anyone else.

So, if Ziggy has to make another nomination I reckon it will be Charley. then, between Charley and Shabnam. Hmmm, personally I'd like Charley out as I'm sick of her staring moodily into the mirror and flicking her hair. On the other hand, Shabs is very very annoying too. I'd have to toss a coin and just hope whichever one goes, the other goes the week after.

Oh dear..

2007-06-07T10:31:00.000+01:00

So Emily is a racist. I wonder what she said?

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6729673.stm

Under the radar

2007-06-07T09:01:00.001+01:00

There's always a few every series. Whether by accident or design, some people just disappear completely within the throng for the first few weeks of Big Brother. The absolute archetype for this, I suppose, would be Scott from BB4 - a man so utterly unremarkable he made it to the final week simply because I imagine no-one realised he was still in there. Big Brother 8's shrinking violets are remarkable, too, but for a different reason.

Who'd ever have imagined that, after the twins first came into the house squealing like stuck piglets, that that would be their last visible or audible contribution to the entire event? People who looked like they were beyond annoying for the first 2 minutes have faded into the background to the point that, when our own Bleep watched his first episode of the summer, he didn't even spot they were in there. I think his problem was he was looking for twins, whereas in fact I'm now pretty certain they are just one, entirely mute, entity. Take a bow, Samanda.

Having two people who look the same and who both just sit there, gawping at Emily throwing her oestrogen at Ziggy in the form of hostility rather than double-teaming them like a WWF wrestler, makes me question whether or not Channel 4 have made a mistake. The two are both so self-contained and satisfied in the other's company, that they don't particularly feel the need to do anything else. Of course, theoretically, one day they'll have to be split up. However, quite how someone will be able to nominate one and not the other is currently beyond me.

Maybe it will be the best thing for the other's chances, though. They'll be forced to engage with everyone else, stop singing Barbie Girl, and display a hereforeto unseen talent. Arm-wrestling or converting people to Scientology, perhaps.

Well done Ziggy!

2007-06-06T22:41:00.000+01:00

Well, it's not ideal, but at least it's half of what I wanted. Emily needs to go, she's getting more and more like Grace as the days progress and lord knows we had to watch her for longer than I think anyone should ever have to. Once again Ziggy seems to have the measure of one of these stupid immature girls and has told Emily straight. I want her gone. GONE.

Plus, I'd quite like to get rid of some of the more giggly women quite early on, they hold no interest for me. I don't care about their vapid conversation or their constant preening.

Feed the world

2007-06-06T08:58:00.000+01:00

Belts are being tightened, because it's a time of rationing and privation in the BB house. The first shortage of a new series is always a time to rejoice for the committed viewer, because it's the time the backstabbing and, even better, frontstabbing starts.

Big Brother 8 went G8 on us last night, and although it appears to actually be easier to get the world's eight most industrialised nations to sit down together and talk to each other than 12 "normal" people on TV, I think it is similarly important to note that the tone of their discussions is unlikely to be that dissimilar. Nor, indeed, would its subject, as key to both agendas is the subject of poverty. Kudos particularly goes to Nicky, who in the ongoing debate about food managed to insinuate that both Laura AND Emily were fat. There's a time for action too, as Carole doling out toilet paper rations for everyone showed us. There's something so utterly appealing about 12 people on national TV carefully shepherding their meek little wad of arse roll that I'm hoping the group forget, in their excitement, to add Andrex to their first shopping list. I'm picturing Ziggy with a basket of leaves, desperately hollering "OK girls, let's all be calm about this" as a lesbiotic war breaks out all around.

Something needs to be done for these poor suffering souls. Ziggy, for his part, has contributed £200 thanks to his success in the shopping task (NB: I would like to thank Endemol and Channel 4 for that, by the way. 11 women, in a garden, ranking themselves on appearance. Absolutely outstanding. Whoever had that idea has my eternal gratitude, although it would have been better to save it for a day when it was raining and made Chanelle and Emily's hair go all curly), but as we all know, the era of plenty that follows a drought in Big Brother is likely to amount to enough booze for one night proceeded by a massive ruck.

No, these people need more. They need a Bob Geldof. Step forward, I think, Tracey. She could get Carter USM, EMF, Orbital and LFO to play in the garden. "Dere's people fockin' wipin' dere arses on towels NOW. Send us yer money. Phat. Safe. Innit."

late arrivals at the BB ball.

2007-06-06T06:57:00.000+01:00

So I got to watch my first episode of the new series of BB last night. And even then I was conducting an MSN conversation about joint finances at the time. My mind was not really on the telly so I am interested in what parts stood out to me.

Obviously it is early doors at the moment in the grand scheme of things. We seem to have reached the point where the housemates have run out of compliments to say to each other and they are starting to show their true natures.

To highlight divisions further BB set them the task of not only ranking themselves according to intelligence, beauty and willingness to muck-in around the house but compounded it by setting their results against the Ziggy's own opinion on the same. A task he managed to fulfill without digging a rather deep hole for himself, something which surprised me as I had him down as a bit of a thicky.

Set against this was some rather pointed editing which introduced me, a first-time viewer, to the characters in the house, my first thoughts were these:

Aren't there supposed to be a pair of twins in the house? I didn't spot them last night.
Carole and Lesley will not be evicted for at least 3 weeks. The in-fighting and bitchiness will not affect them for a while.
Although she is annoying Tracey will stay in for a while too. The public enjoys watching broken people.
Charley will be voted out by the public quite early.
Shabnam's soul will be sold on ebay the moment she leaves the house.
Chanelle to win.

The rest of the house stood out like a handful of marbles dropped onto a pebbly beach.

To cap it all, there was a lovely, lovely, rape at the end of the program. Do all the episodes in the new series end like this?

I may not have a telly in the coming weeks, nor even an Internet connection, so my posts here will be both informed and miraculous.

Nominations

2007-06-05T23:04:00.000+01:00

My money's on Charley, obviously. Tonight's programme made it difficult to pick the second between Emily and Shabnam, but I think Emily might be edging it.

I'm afraid I still can't move Chanelle down the vile list though after she sobbed over the hair straighteners (and of course because she wants to be Posh, and is from Yorkshire). I think they've all done our gender very proud indeed these last couple of days. The hair straighteners argument was wonderful and it didn't take big brother much effort at all to get them arguing over who is the prettiest. And don't get me started on the terrifying rape scene.

Piggy at the table!

2007-06-05T22:41:00.000+01:00

Best thing ever said about a housemate. EVER!

more rumours

2007-06-05T21:17:00.000+01:00

Top, reliable news source, The London Paper says that "Rylan Clark" is going to be the next boy in the house. So there's another dreadful name. He is apparently a bitchy gay wannabe whose influences include Will Young. I suspect he might be a 14 year old girl! He is clearly an internet whore.
Oh well, that might give Ziggy something else to think about and it will certainly ride roughshod over dotmund's first to wank league table.

I might be bothered to form an exciting and provocative opinion about the housemates that are in there at the moment later, or I might just go to bed.

Sweet relief!

2007-06-05T08:58:00.000+01:00

Ziggy's arrival in the house posed many questions, but it also helped to answer at least one: who will have the first wank? With the arrival of a man in the house, all bets on a Barclays were instantly off.

The best part about this area of debate is that after the troubles they had with Celebrity Big Brother, Endemol are unlikely to flaunt any footage of self-abuse they may have available to them. Therefore, First Big Brother 8 Wank joins the JFK assassination and the Jack the Ripper case in the Speculation Without Resolution pile. For my part, I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald did at least one of them. That said, this is similarly an area of discussion which is likely to produce a dark horse as the answer. Someone who has slipped under the radar (more about them from me some time this week) so far may well be the first to crack (one off). Let's have a look at the female runners and riders.

The Outsiders:
Lesley, Carole, Emily, Charley, Tracey

Lesley, Tracey and Carole are more fervent hopes rather than anything else. Jesus. Emily is a young thing with raging hormones, but this doesn't change the fact she's probably got a servant who does that sort of thing for her. Finally, Charley is another I've classified as unlikely, on account of the fact she'll be waiting on Ziggy to come to his senses, and also on account of Ziggy coming to his senses and nominating her. She's a shoo-in for first evictee.

Got form:
Laura, Chanelle, Sam, Amanda

A quartet of youngsters, all with libido flowing through them like formaldehyde in one of Laura's dead dogs, I'd still not put this lot in the dead cert category. Laura has the advantage, from our point of view, of being so talkative she's bound to tell us when she's done a fart let alone anything else. She'll at least give us closure on the issue. Chanelle might well be pushed over the edge if Ziggy were to show any interest, but otherwise her idolisation of Posh Spice will probably lead her to try and keep everything (including, hopefully, her singing voice) under Victoria-esque control. Sam and Amanda occupy the Lesley and Carole category of Oh Good Lord I Hope Not, especially given the fact they even finish each other's sentences.

1-2F:
Shabnam, Nicky

These two have, comparitively speaking, largely been as quiet as church mice so far, although Nicky got fairly heated about Charley throwing a hissy about someone eating her din-dins. Shabnam's eyeshadow betrays someone who has a profound psychological need to do things with her hands on a near-constant basis. It's Nicky, though, who I would install as the overall favourite. She is just 22, so will probably have no shortage of randy and yet has gone on record throughout of saying that she's fed up with men. No-one says this unless they've got some justification for it. There's a lot of self-mastery there, but it can't be long until the levee breaks.

That's my assessment of the situation, anyway. Any thoughts on who you think will be first past the post?

Dinner dates

2007-06-04T23:00:00.000+01:00

Well, I like what Ziggy did there, asking the others who they don't like - saves making your own mind up I suppose. I am surprised though that anyone managed to keep their food down with his endless suave and smooth conversation. Cue the more giggly girls thinking that he "really likes them" when in actual fact (Charley this means you) he doesn't think much of you.

Now, nominations tomorrow, I think I would like to see Charley and Emily please. Although I was chatting to someone at work about what the twins would do if one of them were to go. IMAGINE THE TEARS!!!

Lady Stardust

2007-06-04T09:06:00.000+01:00

The flood of tears and arguments that accompanied Ziggy's arrival into the house was warmingly predictable. Just as inevitable was the fact that Charley was the first to crack, with crack invariably being the operative word.

Charley is, within her own social whirl at least, clearly a bit of a predator. In fact, I would like to advance the possibility that she may actually be THE Predator, although tragically more visible. Short of getting her fanny out and completely consuming Ziggy within it, I doubt she could have made her intentions much clearer. Ziggy, to his credit, managed to avoid complete submission to all of Chaz's wishes by meeting all of the remaining ten hopefuls as well. Clearly, a Plan B - bitching - was very much in order.

She would have been pleased, then, when Lesley called for a "quiet, civilised" house meeting. Given that there has, in 8 series of Big Brother, not once been a single circumstance when ALL housemates are sat together (except for eviction nights) that hasn't rapidly descended into a pogrom, Charley would surely be able to get in some telling blows. She would not, therefore, have imagined that she would in fact emerge from the swelteringly pointless argument - much of which served to help menstrual cycles synchronise but little else - in a weaker position than the one in which she started. Ziggy suggested that perhaps it would be nice if he, as a male example of the species, were allowed some personal bed space instead of having to sleep curled up at the end of Charley's. Chuck was not particularly impressed with this, but some smooth talking reason from the house's only penis was enough to settle her fears that he thought she was A RIGHT MINGAH or somesuch.

Shortly afterwards, we were shown a tearful Charley, still without her man and missing her mum. I can only assume she normally uses her as her wing-man.

Things are looking up, though, for Chanelle, who it seems is very much a girl to Ziggy's taste. I think it is probably reciprocal, judging by the fact that it appeared she had screamed herself hoarse with joy at seeing something with testes come through the door. Quite how this relationship will develop when his initial excitement subsides and he realises she hasn't quite grasped what his name is yet, time will tell.

Ziggy. One of those difficult names to remember.

Meow

2007-06-03T22:05:00.000+01:00

Well, what an argument, how is it that Charley managed to make Nicky feel at fault when the poor girl was only trying to help her?! I think she's fast becoming one of the most hateful housemates there has ever been. She's arrogant, rude and annoying. I can but hope that as Ziggy seems to have the measure of her that he will certainly put her up for eviction. Speaking of Ziggy, he's a lot better than I was expecting, he hasn't been taken in by the preening and pouting and I do think he has his head screwed on. This could of course all change.....

So, a few days in, and I have made my mind up that I can't stand much more of Emily and Charley - if I could have my wish for who was up for eviction it would be both of them.

proper charley

2007-06-03T21:34:00.000+01:00

I can't tell if Charley is trying to be this year's Grace or if she really is that vile. She's overtaken Chanelle in the most vile housemate contest anyway.
Speaking of Chanelle, I wonder if her parents mispelt Chanel? Classy.

Quality music entertainment

2007-06-02T10:31:00.000+01:00

featuring BB7's Richard and Lea and, apparently, BRS

Man about the house

2007-06-01T22:17:00.000+01:00

The Sun seems to think it's going to be this It boy. I would rather it was a gay footballer, as that might cause the most distress to Charley and Chanelle who are currently bottom of my list, but everyone knows that gay men can't play football.

I was with Mr Simpsk on Leslie earlier, but I am detecting piss-taking, so she's getting the benefit of the doubt for now. I can't see her lasting long even if that is her game, she needs to go for the full-blown Makosi-style piss taking for people to appreciate it out here or else start trying to make friends in there.

edit: The Sun have a good mole then. Poor choice Big Brother (although the Mr Darcy moment was not unpleasant).

It's raining men

2007-06-01T18:27:00.000+01:00

So, they're adding a bloke into the mix this evening. I know what I'm hoping for, yes, that's right, a gay man. Oh the look on some of their faces when they realise the only man in the house isn't going to be fooled by the fluttering of eyelashes and inch deep make-up. PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN. I know it won't though because Big Brother wants flirting and bitch fighting.

One day down...

2007-06-01T01:18:00.000+01:00

Oh dear.

So much for Emperor 'Lesley' Palatine. One day in, and her machiavellian schemes to rule the Big Brother house have already been well and truly rumbled by Daffyd out of Little Britain.

Daffyd is my current favourite. She already seems to have the number of all the other housemates. I see big things ahead of her. Huge things, in fact.

Laura thinks she looks like Peter Kaye

2007-05-31T22:58:00.000+01:00

I think she's more:

"if there were boys in the house, maybe they wouldn't be so... what's the word? not excitable... desperate"

2007-05-31T22:38:00.000+01:00

go TEAM LAURA!

And when do the boys want to see a creepy twin bitch fight? I'm quite looking forward to the knives coming out.

What a lady!

2007-05-31T19:20:00.000+01:00

Well, well, well. Turns out good old Les isn't too bothered about telling lies! "They told me that bed would be mine." NAUGHTY NAUGHTY. I think we've got a dark horse on our hands with this one.

yes!

2007-05-31T11:59:00.000+01:00

Phat Les

2007-05-31T11:49:00.000+01:00

Pink!

*SQUEAL*

Cameras!

*SQUEAL*

Oh yes, the majority of contestants on Big Brother's motivations are clear. Fame and glory! It hasn't yet dawned on any of them that to achieve this, you've got to be as far from the vapid ninnies they in fact are as you possibly could be. You either need to be savvy enough to just be yourself - be that an outrageous, mincing queen like Brian, a ruthlessly Scouse workaday Scouser like Craig or a massive geek like Jon Tickle - or alternatively be so utterly risible and unpleasant that your heaving, gruesome physiognomy is burned into the collective conscious. Step forward Jade and Nikki.

The contestants who always interest me the most from the outset every series are the old guard. BB8's diabolical twins Sam and Amanda were just 11 years old when Big Brother first hit UK screens in 2000, whilst Poshabe Chanelle was just a year older. It's reasonable to assume that walking into the house is the culmination of their entire life's ambition. What of our wrinkled army, though? Well, Carole, it has to be said, is probably using the programme as a springboard to encourage us to save the whale, or fuck the pope, or impeach Brown, or a combination thereof. Tracey, as charmingly daft a presence in the house as there's been since Emma in 2004 (NB: Emma went completely mental after a week and tried to stab someone), has obviously just woken up from a hell of a binge on some class A cleaning product and will, inevitably, soon realise that she's in fact on television and it's getting a bit TOO real.

Lesley is 60 years old, meaning that she was 53 when the first series aired, and busy winding down a career head-hunting (or whatever it is headhunters do). She's had a life, I assume it's been successful enough and I hope it's been happy enough. What the hell is in the Big Brother experience for someone like this? She's not got a political agenda, she's not barmy in the nut, she's not a roaring, bellicose, predatory lesbian. She, in fact, looks like Prue Leith. As the house filled with its conventional array of strangely formulaic freaks, Lesley's face was an absolute picture. All her bluster about "not taking any crap", "you'll love me or hate me" and so on rapidly evapourated to a meek, homeopathic fug of white-knuckled terror and despondency. How is she going to get a word in edgeways? Who can she discuss Dickens with? Will she be comfortable hanging her tits out of the bath in a room full of women a third of her age?

I wish Lesley well. I hope she will manage to establish a role for herself in there without having to scream over inanities of the highest order, or slash anyone up bad. One thing is clear, her gradual decline into complete insanity is bound to make compelling viewing.

Initial thoughts

2007-05-31T10:43:00.000+01:00

Hmmm. All girls so far. While this is not a bad thing from my perspective, I'm still yearning for an intelligent, sarcastic, wry woman. the kind there hasn't really been since Anna Nolan in BB1.

So, how do this lot stack up?

Amanda and Sam
Christ. Lollipops. Pink. Twins. Could anything be more annoying than this pair and their constant squealing? I'd love BB to split them up in some way so we could see if there is more to them than, well, looking like each other.

Lesley
I feel a bit sorry for her already, her look of despair as each new person entered the house sent shivers down my spine as she realised just what she'd let herself in for. A bit posh, can't cook apparently and claims to be friends with royalty. I can't see her lasting long unless she's incredibly funny.

Charley
She's such a wannabe footballer's wife. However, she looks like a bit too much like a man. Loved the fact the crowd was shouting 'get a job' at her. I think I'm going to dislike her immensely.

Tracey
Another person sent to test my patience. A 36-year-old raving cleaner. She obviously thinks she's going to be the life of the party but she hasn't left 1989 yet and the constant gurning and use of crap rhyming slang is going to wind me up something rotten. She's the kind of person you meet at a club and then spend the rest of the night trying to avoid. Plus she looks like my Dad with hair.

Chanelle
Chanelle, Chanelle, Chanelle. When I first saw you I thought you were going to be my Big Brother crush. Then you opened your mouth and started blathering on about looking like Victoria Beckham. Which you do. From a distance. With big glasses covering half your face. When I'm squinting.

Shabnam
Didn't really make much of an impression. Seemed far too excited about makeup. The being "far too creative to be tied down to mundane work" means she's probably been sacked a lot. For being annoying.

Emily
Emily, oh Emily. You're so wrong. 'Indie' as a new type of music. It makes me want to weep. She probably thinks she's educated because she read The Bell Jar once and knows the name Iris Murdoch. Claims she wants to meet a 'Pete Docherty' type. Because, of course, if someone is as highly intelligent as she claims she is, the best kind of boyfriend you can have is one out of his head on smack, who you have to spend all your time looking after when they smear shit on the walls. Think about it. I'm putting this down to youthful naivety but I can't see her lasting long.

Laura
A wannabe embalmer. Welsh. Stupid hair. Could be a contender though if she keeps her mouth shut for more than five minutes.

Nicky
Nicky I'm not so sure about. She seemed the best of an odd bunch. She did seem a little, erm, strident in her opinion of men. She seemed the most intelligent of the women going in and if she lightens up a bit she could be a winner.

Carole
Last but not least, Carole. Oh Carole, with your luxurious moustache. I can see you're going to be fun as you try to educate the women about politics, especially the more obviously right wing ones (Emily and Lesley, I'm looking at you). I can't see why the crowd loved you so much, I suppose it's because you entered the house like the embarrassing fat aunt at a wedding who's had one drink too many and is determined to show herself up. I can relate to that. Except the aunt bit. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt for now.

And that's it so far, a more mixed bunch than there has been for a year or so and it's nice to see some older faces in there. I can't wait for it to get going proper!

Tuppence

2007-05-30T22:37:00.000+01:00

I have only 3 comments to add to the below:

1) "Victoria Beckam....pfft! - Chenelle"
I am going to be mean about her, and not only because she's from Wakefield. Because she thinks she looks like Posh and thinks this is a desirable thing, in fact she just has the same haircut and clothes. Ah, and she has a made up name.

2) Tracey
I wonder what it would be like to get so mashed that one day, 20 years later, you just wake up to find yourself 20 years older, in the big brother house dressed in a rug? Would that be phat or large?

3) Lollipops?
Oh dear.